confused post... please don't look for coherence

I'm turning 32 this Sunday. I want to do something special for me but I don't know what. A part of me feels that I don't deserve to and there's that nagging part of me that screams to do something so it would at least be a happy day.

I'm really conflicted as to how my relationship with the babydadee is going to turn out. For the most part of my life with him, I know that he loved me as much as he could (and maybe still do). When I look back at the good days, they were really good. I was happy. He's a good dadee too. Then I would remember the bad days and I just hurt so bad that even if I haven't had a good night's rest in a while, I don't mind it because I'm at peace.

For the first few weeks since I kicked he was back and forth here. He actually came here and physically begged for my forgiveness twice. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I didn't almost fall for it. Good thing I was much too hurt then to let him have his way again. Now, as much as he is communicating with me, making his presence felt via test, he doesn't insist himself; doesn't complain if I haven't replied to his text or answered his call; and I hope he never brings up the topic of me entertaining a suitor again. (because dood, that's just not happening) I want him to learn his lesson if it be the hard way for both of us then so be it. After all, what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. If we do emerge from this and still be together in the end, it would have only been a test. Otherwise, it's just not meant to be. (Yes, ringing up all the cliche's in the world.)

Suffice to say, I miss him terribly. I don't want him here on Sunday because he's still suspended (y'know) but I also want him around because you know I want to spend it with the person I love.

xoxo
    

Getting back into shape

To say I've let myself go is an understatement.

I'm 190lbs, give or take a few... I'm beyond out of shape. So I am watching what I eat and getting some much needed exercise.

Fingers crossed. Every time I feel slacking, I'll just have to look at the kids and remember I'm all they really have.

xoxo 

Welcome

So I shall blog again... maybe there was a reason I had to postpone blogging for almost a month after the creation of this blog account. I was angry then, raging mad even. I may say things I won't be able to take back. So after a month my thoughts are clearer, my heart lighter but my resolve remains strong.

It took a lot of energy for me to give up. Quitting is definitely not for the weak of heart. (well depends on what you are trying put a stop on). I have always wondered what I do wrong, why is my relationship with the babydadee always rocky? Why am I crying this often? What should I change? Was it that I wasn't into sex that much?  Was it because I have my own little world with my knitting? Was I too smug cause we are technically living off of my parents? Was it because of my epic laziness?


He said I have changed a lot after four years. And I tried hard to be that thing he was hoping I was but then I always have that nagging thought that "I'm a mom now, of course I'm different, of course my priorities have shifted." Still I try... I fail and I try again hoping that every time we come to terms after a fight he'd get it, he'd get me, he'd figure it out. However, one or two days will pass and then another big fight. I always told him I'm not stupid, of course I'll defend myself, if he wanted a woman who would just follow after his every whim then he shouldn't have chosen a woman who thinks. And then I still question my own stand, I falter, I say sorry and give in. All along, this conflicting thoughts in my head, wouldn't have been that difficult to understand had he just been clean the entire time. Suffice to say, I was emotionally battered.

So Christmas and New Years happened with me ending an abusive relationship. For my first few days as a single mom, it was difficult. I was in tears or stoic on most times. My two year old kept on asking where his dad was. I had to learn a new bedtime routine and schedule for the kids, for my sanity. I remember that second night, at bedtime, (It was usually the babydadee's duty to take care of K1 while I breastfeed K2 to sleep) I remember K1 kicking me and the baby unable to settle because of his brother being an ass, I broke down. It was the worst cry I've had. I think my rage overcame me and I couldn't stop even if K1 was already weirded out by my antics.

People left and right were getting engaged. I purposely took an FB hiatus because I couldn't bear to be happy for people joining together for love. If it wasn't an engagement, it was the pictures of happy families and their various Christmas whatevers. I realize now, why certain people hate the holidays. At that time I didn't want someone to show me the positive side of things, I wanted someone who would let me cry and be ugly and be ragey. Thanks to a group of knitters in an online community, I got what I needed.

So almost a month passes... I am managing the kids. Yeah, K2 is still attached to me during the day (like I'm a walking bed and a milking cow). However, I accidentally discovered that if I don't make K1 take his afternoon nap, he'll be sleepy earlier at night. And that gives me the rest of the night to attend to myself, to be me. Also thanks to my Mom, she takes K1 with her sometimes when she does her errands, sometimes leaves him with his cousins to play with them. This gives me less frustration during the day and more bonding moments with him when we're both available; that is when K2 have slept and or happily fed and awake.

So I'm A Suddenly Single Mom... I'm sure this isn't the end of my story. I have a lot more to tell. As we all know life is a series of ups and downs, and I'm at a really low point but I'm climbing up. I'm also starting a business so you should watch out how I will juggle everything... I'm sure there'll be messy moments with either the family or the business front as there will happiness, milestones... successes.

I'm beyond bitter... I'm moving on. xoxo